U N K E M P T     T H O U G H T S
Stanislaw Jerzy Lec Translated from the Polish by Jacek Galazka)

You will always find some Eskimos ready to instruct the Congolese on how to cope with heat waves. Hay smells different to lovers and horses. Do not ask God the way to heaven; he will show you the hardest one. The window to the world can be covered by a newspaper. You can die on St. Helena without being Napoleon. Many a boomerang does not return but chooses freedom instead. Always turn to strange gods; they will listen to you out of turn. On the neck of a giraffe a flea begins to believe in immortality. He who shouts "Long live" has to pay for the funeral. Even a flounder takes sides. If you are not a psychiatrist, stay away from idiots. They are too stupid to pay a layman for his company. From a review: "The poet showed noble poverty of thought." A lobster blushes after it dies; what rare subtlety in a victim! I prefer the sign NO ENTRY to the one that says NO EXIT. I once saw a miracle - just when we could have done without one. Witches admitted their relations with the devil. Our blood boils - how could they be forced to admit this when there is no devil. But reason tells us this is not true. The devil does exist and was in fact the inquisitor. Til toppen Remember that when the devil wants to kick someone, he will not use his hoof but his leg. I had a nightmare: surplus of bureaucracy in a country which just liquidated illiteracy. What keeps us on this globe except force of gravity? Only the dead can be resurrected. It's more difficult with the living. Profit from the experience of ornithologists. For the writer to spread his wings you must free his quill. In national crises many people just pick their noses. Most of them come from families where nose-picking is frowned upon. We must not permit our streetcars to be useful only in building barricades. Not every salvo announces the revolution. Truth will always be naked, even when turned out in the latest fashion. In the house of the hanged you don't talk about the noose - and in the hangman's house? Stupidity is the mother of crime. But the fathers are frequently geniuses. All is in the hands of man. Therefore wash them often. Do I have no soul as punishment for not believing in the soul? When confronted with his murderer the corpse didn't identify him. He wears a hair shirt but is fussy about its cut. Some hide truth because they fear it, others hide truth because they want to save it for the right occasion. Both truths are exactly the same. Must men be made of steel? Sometimes I think they should be of flesh and blood. "I feel I'm growing wings," said the mouse. "So what, bat?" If only we could sleep off death on the installment plan. The first condition of immortality is death. The constitution of a country should not violate the constitutions of its citizens. When myth meets myth, the collision is very real. You have to climb to reach a deep thought. Perhaps God chose me to be an atheist? If you have no spine, don't jump out of your skin! An errors becomes an error when born as truth. Pants get shiny even on a throne. Til toppen Even if you feed the cow cocoa you will not get chocolate. Mud sometimes gives the illusion of depth. You cannot pretend freedom! You cannot play the Song of Freedom on an instrument of oppression. There are parodies of non-existent things. Thoughts, like fleas, jump from man to man. But they don't bite everybody. Satirists, be careful. In the 1931 film by Rene Clair "Vive la Liberte" a song says, "Work is freedom". In 1940 the sign on the gates to Auschwitz said: "Arbeit macht frei". I know why Jews are considered wealthy - they pay for everything. I will only shake my finger at him, he said, and placed it on the trigger. Sometimes the bell swings the bellman. You can divide people in many ways. Said the astonished executioner: "I just divide them into heads and bodies." If only we could also milk the scapegoat! Avoid repetition? Hush, don't let happiness near you! Sometimes the fisherman is swallowed with the fishhook. When violets became fragrant the manure said: "Just a cheap play for contrast." "What do you do," asked a friend, "when you find, in your own bed, your wife's lover with another woman?" I knew a fellow who had such a poor ear for music that, if he had only build a theory around it, he could have been famous. One has to multiply thoughts to the point where there aren't enough policemen to control them. "A beautiful lie?" Listen! That's creativity. You ask me, O beautiful lady, how long my thoughts mature. Six thousand years, my dear. Man is strange. Wearing himself out a slave in a stone quarry he eyes a chunk of granite for his own statue. "Why did you describe that even as epoch-making, marking a new era?" "What event?" asked the journalist. When smashing monuments, save the pedestals - they always come in handy. What is Chaos? It is the Order destroyed during Creation. Blood transfusion is usually from one pocket to another. If the art of conversation stood a little higher we would have a lower birthrate. Til toppen Did the eye of Providence ever shed a human tear? Men, enough of this modesty. Don't pretend to be lions. To whom should we marry Freedom, to make it multiply? It isn't easy to live after death. It takes a lifetime. Stop tilting at the sun. It will have to do for billions of years. A fat man lives shorter but eats longer. "He is a thinking man." Is there a compliment to humanity in that description? There are grammatical errors even in his silence. If there is a political change in Heaven the saints will no doubt change their life stories using the accusations of the devil's advocates during canonization. Never open the door to those who open then even without your permission. Don't tell your dreams. What if the Freudists come to power? "With a eunuch you can have a long chat," said the lady from the harem. In some lands exile is the greatest punishment; in others, the greatest humanitarians should fight for it. Never saw on the branch you are sitting on, unless they are trying to hang you from it. In prison cells the sun draws shadows of the bars on the floor. In the squares the prisoners can play crossword puzzles. The possibilities depend on the size of the bars. Even the masochists tell everything when tortured. From sheer gratitude. Don't lose your mind unless you have paid for it. He who has a good memory can forget more, more easily. The letter of the law should be included in the alphabet. We could create life imprisonment with the extra penalty of artificial prolongation of life. Impartiality is not neutrality - it is partiality for justice. I once saw a titan darning socks. It was his first titanic effort. Some people's thoughts are so shallow they don't even reach their heads. I dream of an anchor that could pull the land with it. The kiss of Judas closes poets' mouths. Mankind deserves sacrifice - but not of mankind. To god what is God's, to Caesar what is Caesar's. To humans - what? Even the Prophet's beard can be shaved! Don't be a snob. Never lie when truth is more profitable. How did they ever get the permit to create the world? "You can make two gibbets from one cross," said the expert with disdain. Til toppen If I am likely to meet my murderers in the other world, I would prefer to live with them on this one. You can remove all words from a brilliant thought. A provincial paper asked me to send them cheaper thoughts for a smaller fee. It is easier to call someone a bitch than to be one. I met a man so poorly read that he had to make up his own quotations from the classics. Burning stakes do not lighten the darkness. Each juggler should be trained in the ignorance of the laws of physics. Every stink that fights the ventilator thinks it is Don Quixote. Rush! Rush! You can live a lifetime in one day. What do you do with the rest of the time? Never turn your back on reality. It surrounds you. Oh God! Dark windows are often a very clear proof. How should we train memory to learn to forget? I am beautiful, I am strong, I am wise, I am good. And I discovered it all! The aspen trembles under every regime, but it grows green under every regime anyway. Even a glass eye can see its blindness. Ecce homo! - homini lupus est. To a eunuch the civil wedding just isn't important. At the beginning there was the Word - at the end just the Cliche. When gossip grows old it becomes myth. It is unhealthy to live. He who lives, dies. Even his ignorance is encyclopedic. If she had come any later for our rendezvous I could have become Petrarch. I wanted to tell the world just one word. Unable to do it, I became a writer. This dirty puddle used to be pure snow. I walk by it with respect. Their bodies were so close together that there was no room for real affection. Advice to writers: Sometimes you just have to stop writing. Even before you begin. The shadow of suspicion fell upon him. And in that shadow he has been hiding ever since. Many who tried to enlighten were hanged from the lamppost. Only geniuses and idiots are mentally self-sufficient. Life is not becoming to everyone. Don't shout for help at night. You may wake your neighbors. Stupidity is no excuse of not thinking. Til toppen "Don't annoy the lion." "Why," I asked the keeper. "He gets diarrhea," he replied. Beyond each corner, new directions lie in wait. Optimists and pessimists differ only on the date of the end of the world. In Vienna they showed me the bed where Grillparzer slept. Ha! I often see the bed of Mrs. X where poet A, musician B, painter C and actor D have slept. So far. Human flesh cannot contain alcohol and anti-Semitism simultaneously. Pour in a little alcohol and out pours anti-Semitism. Is it a progress if a cannibal uses knife and fork? Indignation should never be so deep that it cannot explode. I give you bitter pills in sugar coating. The pills are harmless; the poison is in the sugar. "The king is naked"... but under such splendid robes. Sometimes the devil tempts me to believe in God. We made flags from red pillow cases while others made pillow cases from flags. Abel was the first to discover that dead victims do not protest. The consumer's side of the coffin lid isn't showy. Dramatist: ventriloquist of the soul. I have many secrets from myself - will I manager to keep them? Do not write Credo on walls. Thoughtlessness kills - the others. Truth is hardest to find when anything could be the truth. "Oh to be old again," said a young corpse. Even Einstein's time depended on the town clock. We fight for the right to exceptions. Let "exceptions prove the rule" only if they want to. There is no bottom. Only the handicap of depths. Even a word can be a gag. He who lost his head has many headaches. It is easy to hang puppets. The strings are already there. When I eat sardines I sometimes tremble that I may be biting a Jonah from the Bible of the little people. You can change your faith without changing gods. And vice versa. Bottom is bottom, even if it is turned upside down. Transparent aims cast a shadow. Do not awake associations when you cannot put them back to sleep. Wounds heal and become scars. But scars grow with us. A sodomite got very excited looking at a zoology text. Does this make it pornography? Not every night ends at dawn. Til toppen Can you imagine the woman who would let her lover tell her tales for 1001 nights? The finger of God never leaves identical fingerprints. You have to kill fleas even when you hunt elephants. Sometimes you have to be silent to be heard. What do I believe? I believe in God, if he exists. The face of the enemy frightens me only when I see how much it resembles mine. America was not discovered by Americans - shame on them. His tragedy is that he loves, but cannot be, himself. If a man who cannot count finds a four-leaf clover, is he entitled to happiness? He who wears epaulettes in hell can get a brass hat in heaven as well. Powerless rage can work miracles. What becomes of a devil who ceases to believe in God? I dreamt of a slogan for contraceptives: "The unborn will bless you." Do not make gods in your own images. Whence does the wind blow, and whither shall I? The key to the situation is often in a neighbor's lock. Watch out you don't get crushed under somebody else's wheel of fortune. Does a little fish, swimming though the net's eye, suffer from inferiority complex? I have a new problem. What would happen if people grew taller? Would we shorten them or change the world to suit? All of our separate fictions add up to joint reality. Ferment can also result from a lack of fruit. A man who is a genius and doesn't know it, probably isn't. The richer your imagination, the poorer you feel. Heroes of old myths were almost naked. Heroes of the present myths are always naked. It is easy to form a chain from a string of zeroes. Are naked women intelligent? The fact that he died does not prove that he lived. The flag bearer may blow in a different direction from the flag. A sweet thing, perspective - a chance to see your enemies so small. If you want to hide your face, walk naked. Terrifying are the weaknesses of power. Do not walk on the well-trodden path - you may slip. A barefooted man should not walk on roses. Til toppen The exit is usually where the entrance was. Even the voice of conscience undergoes mutation. Watch out that someone else's emotion does not grip your throat. You can tell when a people has no voice, even when they are singing anthems. O solitude, how overpopulated you are. Do you know where you can find hope? In hell's checkroom, under the sign: "Lasciate ogni speranza." Some nights are too dark to be seen. Time is motionless. It is we who are moving in the wrong direction. What a courageous writer. He dotted the "i" in an unwritten sentence. The captain is the last to abandon ship. That is why admirals sleep so soundly on stormy nights. If two enemies have a joint enemy, it increases their mutual hate. Each one tries to be the only victor. The strait jacket should custom-fit the folly. Winds change the signposts. Not everyone can dance to the tune of the future. The last-but-one Mohican often kills the last one, to take his place. He felt like a nightmare that had yet to be dreamt. In the capital even a dog barks more centrally. If your enemy makes a false step - watch out! You are both dancing to the same tune. People find life entirely too time-consuming. The spirit of the times can haunt even the atheists. Many a zero things that it is the ellipse on which the earth travels. Some characters cannot be broken but they can be stretched. All gods were immortal. He who has no conscience makes up for it by lacking it. In a war of ideas it is people who get killed. Let him who is without guild cast the first stone. A trap. Because then he will be no longer without guilt. People could use an occasional "day off"... from life. Be yourself. A horse without the lancer is still a horse; a lancer without the horse is just a man. So little of the forest's charm is left in the mushroom soup! Warsaw under Hitler, at dawn. On the wall of the German headquarters someone had hastily painted the sign "Long live freedom." "What a cliche!" said famous logician X, hurrying from a good night's sleep in a safe hiding place. Every bush can burn if you fire it with your imagination. Til toppen Why do I write these short aphorisms? Because words fail me! When shall we fire the missile of thought beyond the bounds of reason? Tell me whom you sleep with and I shall tell you whom you dream of. Do not turn your back on anyone. You may be painted on one side only. You have to have a lot of patience to learn patience. He was hiding behind the tongue he showed to the world. It is possible to make jam from dreams. All you have to add is fruit and sugar. To have a double, to have him commit suicide and to impersonate him thereafter - what splendid possibilities for a schizophrenic! Figureheads are usually made of stone. Even arses wear masks. For obvious reasons. We looked into each other's eyes. I saw myself, she saw herself. If you like the bag, buy it with the cat they tried to sell you in it. Remember: It is the hunter who takes up the position, not the hunted. If once you knew a hyena and years later met her as a squirrel... that you recognized her should make you think. I always feared unloaded rifles. They used them to smash heads. We no longer know how to distinguish monuments from tombstones. It is easiest to lose your way in the forest after it is cut. "I'd like the world to be the Grand Guignol." "You are a sadist." "Oh no. There they were only pretending." The moment of recognizing your own lack of talent is a flash of genius. There is a dispute about the existence of God. Both sides try to hide that they killed Him - even before He came into being. The dispensing of Injustice is always in the right hands. What if life passes? It is so expensive. What you cannot conceive you can frequently buy. You have to decide even to hesitate. Think before you think! If man knew his own greatness he would not have to rise any higher. Stormy is the sea of indifference. Does surrealism cease to be such if it becomes reality? Pity that we won't survive until the day it is proved that our way of reckoning time is incorrect. And that we were not really getting older. Morality is either a social contract or you have to pay cash. Many of my friends became my enemies, many enemies became friends - only those who never cared either way remained constant. Are there enough words to feed all mouths? Every scarecrow has a secret ambition to terrorize. Even the blind should be allowed to pay blind man's buff. The mob shouts with one big mouth and eats with a thousand little ones. Blow into your own sails! Caesars are usually killed by their friends. Because they are enemies. An empty envelope that is sealed contains a secret. To have a knife at your enemy's throat - what a dangerous moment! It is indecent to suspect a man when you are sure of his guilt. Brutality is justified only when it calls forth an equally strong reactions of the intellect. When no wind blows even the weathervane has character. If you do not know his language, you will never understand a foreigner's silence. Meat-eating creatures! Do not eat all the guinea pigs! You know what will happen when they run out of guinea pigs. Til toppen When myth becomes reality, who wins? The idealists or the materialists? They warned me about X. "He has no social conscience." I met him. He has a human conscience. Whenever man begins to doubt himself he does something so stupid that he is reassured. Proverbs contradict each other. That is the wisdom of a nation. Woe to dictators who are convinced they are not dictators. No Torquemada will ever drag out of people as many secret desires as can the lust for power. You can close your eyes to reality but not to memories. I see that your motto is, "Ex oriente Lux, ex occidente luxus." The dying fire of enthusiasm should leave ashes to provide disguising make-up for our faces. When they shout "Long live progress," always ask, "Progress of what?" It is amazingly difficult to raise an echo in empty heads. "It is only a meteor," said the candle with contempt. They mistook him for another, but loyally returned the correct corpse. There is no tax on crime. The pettier the citizen, the greater seems the empire. How many prison years in the years since Christ! The cock sings a hymn even to the morning in which he becomes a consommé. Pity that the only way to paradise is in a hearse. To suffer heartaches and not to be a poet? Whatever for? Juvenile delinquents do not have an assured future. They may become decent people. He who limps is still walking. No calendar reform will shorten pregnancy. In his modesty he thought he was just a hack writer; he was in fact an informer. Do I believe? God only knows. It isn't difficult to say "I am," but to be. Are there any vegetarians among cannibals? My brain was too tired to create a falsehood. Not every Abel can afford his own Cain. Some have to rely on collective ones. I wonder if a fish would keep silent if it had as many secrets as we have. On every summit you are on the brink of an abyss. One can be a virtuoso of false play. It was sheer torture. Around me nothing but naked women, dressed up to their necks. Some memories need a really hot bath, not just a cold shower. Puritans should wear fig leaves on their eyes. He who wakes up in a bed in which he did not go to sleep should immediately check his identity card. Til toppen His life was broken. Now he has two separate and very pleasant lives. A statue can be an excellent sundial. Even later, when it is gone, you know what hour had struck. Many thoughts wander around in my head. Some even wander out. I wonder if any animal looking at us thinks "Ecce homo." The author's thought frequently impregnates the critics' abortions. A tired exclamation mark is a question mark. Bludgeons were mere toys. Today even those killed by them would know this. Everyone can choose the color of the rope he makes for his own neck. Those who have eaten all wisdom should also feed all bellies. Even the soul has to go on a diet sometimes. One must always begin at the end. Supplies for Warsaw must include jokes. The authorities provide these too. Some never have hope - others keep on losing it. Our viewpoints are exactly the same. The question is which one is on top. "Thou shalt not kill" sounds like an admonition and is in fact a discovery. Beware. The despised illiterates may well dot the "i". Perhaps one day we shall find an industrial use for the human soul? Value your words. Each one may be the last. We understand everything; that is why we understand nothing. You can spit on yourself without opening your mouth. How can you translate sighs? You can condemn a man to oblivion - the sentence in this case has to carried out on others who are apt to remember. Half a wit per head of population is already a high standard. Opinions are usually divided - among the strong. Can we rework the calendar so that we don't have to live in the twentieth century? "A better tomorrow" does not insure you against "an even better day after tomorrow." Only a poet could prepare a questionnaire for God. Some people lack the gift of recognizing truth. But their lies breathe such sincerity. A troglodyte was not a troglodyte. He was merely on a level with his civilization. Where a harsh law rules, people yearn for lawlessness. You would be surprised to hear a cow speak English. But believe me, after the tenth time you would resent the fact that it did not have an Oxford accent. Of course, if you could tell the difference. Whether a thought is a dud depends also on the head it hits. Til toppen Everything is illusion. Even that last sentence. When you jump for joy, beware that no one moves the ground from beneath your feet. "Rain falls upward," a man confessed when he was hung upside down. This was verified by the presiding official. Who ever asked theses and antitheses if they want to become syntheses? Two parallel lines meet somewhere in infinity... and they believe it. Among giants, try to be a dwarf; among dwarfs, try to be a giant; but among equals try to be an equal. Love of one's country recognizes no frontiers... of other countries. I'd rather David had killed Goliath with a harp. Demosthenes spoke freely with a stone in his mouth. As if that is much of a hindrance. The fingers of the servants should leave the fingerprints of the masters. Artistic honesty sometimes prevents an artist from being born. Oh to be one's own Minister of Internal Affairs! People are not egoists - no one mourns his own death. The success of Heine - to become a world-famous "unknown poet". The sound never returns to the instrument. A big cloud and such a small shadow. Strange. What snobbism - he wanted to be the Grand Eunuch. It is dreadful when one master has many slaves. It is no better when a slave has many masters. Many of those who were ahead of their time had to wait for it in not too comfortable quarters. I had a dream about reality. It was such a relief to wake up. Take care that you do not accidentally create something immortal. Think how many people would have to sacrifice their lives to destroy it. Illiterates have to dictate. When everything has to be right, something isn't. The time of the dawn depends on the geographical location. Many tried to create the philosopher's stone by petrifying thoughts. Ideals are not for idealists. No condemned man is too tall for the gibbet. True wisdom never leaves the head. Well! Mushroom hunting with beaters! One has to live in carbon copy to leave proof of existence. Til toppen Can the cannibal speak in the name of those he ate? The weakest link in the chain is also the strongest. It can break the chain. One wise man always managed to bow before the ruler so as to show his behind to the courtiers. Some like to understand what they believe in. Others like to believe in what they understand. Ah. I wish I knew God's private address. Speak wisely - the enemy is listening. We demand an eight-hour thinking day! It is easy to populate the world, equally easy to depopulate it. What is the problem? When fear is pale, it needs blood. There were times when slaves had to be bought legally. Even a flea doesn't jump merely for joy. Open Sesame - I want to get out. Til toppen